Untitled 2
by spheeris1
Summary: Ashley POV :: AU from beginning of Season Three :: Angst :: One-shot :: Ashley has a bitter relationship with love.


**Even though I have some that are not on here, this particular story is #300 on FF dot net. So, uh, that's cool.**

**OoOoOoO**

They just can't get it right.

As if every step taken is the wrong one and every door opened reveals just more doors.  
This is no game show, though. There isn't a prize once you turn the knob.

And they just can't get it right, but they keep trying.

They keep trying like it might come true one day.  
One day, it'll be better than it is now.

**OoOoOoO**

_"Then just decide!"_

_But you aren't thinking clearly. You've not been thinking clearly for a long damn time and what right does she have to ask anything of you? Some girl with a bitch for a mother and a saint for a father - a living and breathing father. Some girl with Ohio-like dreams still caught in her blonde hair. Some girl, some beautiful and much too perfect girl..._

_Who is she to ask things of you? Who is she to demand that you make choices when you've spent your whole life on a tightrope? Who is this girl that claims to love you so fucking much when you don't know how to love yourself?_

_You aren't thinking clearly.  
And bullets strip you of any chance at clarity.  
Guns and blood kill others; guns and blood offer you an excuse to never decide at all._

**OoOoOoO**

"Hey..."  
"Am I hallucinating or something?"

Ashley rolls her eyes and sits down, shrugging her shoulders.

"Being insanely wealthy gets boring."  
"I'm sure."

Spencer smiles just as sweetly as ever, but her eyes are aware with sarcasm. Ashley just grins in return, chancing a not-so-random move of bumping their shoulders together.

It is tense. It is familiar. It is a lot of unspoken things.  
One of them will break this hold, though. It is just a matter of who cannot stand it first.

Today, it is Spencer.

"So, does Aiden know you are lurking around today?"

Ashley uses all her strength to not sigh. It isn't for her own sake. It's for the girl beside her.

"Oh, you know, he is off being scholastic or something. Didn't want to bother him."  
"But you'll bother me, hmm?"  
"Well... you aren't doing anything, are you?"  
"I **was **having a peaceful lunch."  
"So, you're saying I saved you from boredom, too? Good timing on my part."

Ashley sails them back into safer waters, gentle banter like ripples of a wave against the coastline, and Spencer seems to almost breathe easier at the shift in direction.  
And at least Ashley can do this, she can make it okay for the two of them to talk and joke a bit and not start up conversations that neither of them know how to finish anymore.

Spencer doesn't reply verbally. The girl just delivers a brief smile and then quietly pushes over her plastic container with pale green grapes inside.  
Ashley pops one into her mouth and savors how good it tastes.

It's probably the best grape she has ever had.

**OoOoOoO**

_It's funny how she can look at you with such disappointment, as if you had spent the whole of your life being good and then suddenly woke up bad._

_Didn't she know you at all? Or did she just see what she wanted to see? And did she, somewhere along the way, make you believe you were more than this, too?_

_The whole time you were gone you likened her to a pretty disease - the kind that eats your skin away, the kind that makes insides revolt and fail you.  
The whole time you were gone you convinced yourself of these facts - she is not your friend and you are not meant for her._

_It's funny, though.  
Because once you came back, you still wanted her._

_And just like with anything you want, you throw it away. You throw people away and then reach out for them, over and over._

_Didn't she know this about you? Or did she just see your moments of decency and not your years of indifference?_

_Didn't she make you believe you were truly decent, too?_

_Still, you think it is funny that she can look at you this way, like you've broken her damn heart.  
As if you had spent a lifetime loving her and then woke up a stranger. As if you had promised her everything under the sun and then disappeared from view._

_It's funny, though.  
Because that's just what you did, isn't it?_

**OoOoOoO**

Ashley is happy in a way that really feels like resignation, like the settling of her arms to her side and the click of the front door.

The last one to show and the last face at this weird gathering of faces, Ashley watches Spencer Carlin navigate the wall-less rooms of this overpriced loft. Ashley watches and keeps a faint smile on her lips as Spencer looks back.

Not at Ashley, though, but at the dark-haired girl within Spencer's grasp.

Ashley is happy in a way that really feels like regret. And the girl is laughing at something Spencer says and Spencer's hands are gesticulating, flapping like the wings of a bird, and the girl grins.

Ashley is grinning, too, because she is happy.  
Happy in a way that isn't happiness at all.

"It's going well, right?"

Ashley flicks her gaze to Aiden, catches the strain in his eyes and wants to reassure him about this little party idea of his. She wants to reassure him about a lot of things.

"It's going great."

And Ashley leans up, kisses him softly on his boyish mouth, then slips into the mismatched crowd of his friends and her friends and friends of friends. She does the hostess thing and she does the rich girl thing and she even manages the adult thing - once or twice.

She even manages to trick herself into thinking that this can work out for everyone.

**OoOoOoO**

_It only happens once and, as much as you want to blame it on her, you know you can't._

_This moment is all on you._

_It only happens once, though. You stomp it out like a fire. You beat at it until the flames go away and leave you burnt, but alive.  
You've earned the right to live, haven't you?  
Even if you haven't yet earned the right to live well._

_It only happens once, just one time, and you were so close to losing yourself in that moment. You were so close to saying her name. You were so close to thinking you'd see her there, earnest as she hovers over you and touches you and buries her fingers inside of you._

_God, you thought it was her and you wanted it to be her and you finally realized that it'll never be her again. That's when he shudders and you jerk yourself back to reality.  
That's when you fake an orgasm and he tenderly kisses your cheek.  
That's when he feels like he has you and that's when you know you'll never be his._

_It only happens once. You don't let it go that far again, keeping those dangerous thoughts at bay with a force of will you never knew you had._

_And you want to blame her. You want to find her hands performing witchcraft and lash her to the stake. You want to find the curse she put upon you and reverse it._

_This is your moment, though.  
It's all on you. It belongs to you as much as your skin, as much as your stupid heart._

_It only happens once._

_But it __**almost **__happens a million times a day._

**OoOoOoO**

Ashley tips the bottle back and then blows out a heated breath, flush and grinning at the round of applause that bubbles up.  
She isn't drunk or anything, but that little stunt might tip the scales. And Ashley finds that the feelings of numbness, along with the warmth to her legs and the fog covering her brain, are not as horrible as she recalls.

Of course, her memories are of things like death and ignorance. The present is better, right? The present isn't perfect, but it is better than the before.

Aiden says he'll get more drinks and Ashley shoos him away like a fly. Kyla is laughing wildly at something that girl is saying, that girl that Spencer is dating. It's not the dark-haired one anymore. This one has reddish-brownish locks and they are curly and those curls tumble this way and that - this girl has dancing hair and Ashley thinks that she might be a little drunk after all.

She wonders if Spencer is kind of drunk, too.

Spencer, who has one hand on the table and it is being held by curly girl's hand; Spencer, who has another hand and it reaches out to playfully tap at Ashley's nose.

"No zoning out, young lady. This is my first night of my summer break before senior year... uh, thing... you know what I mean."

Ashley giggles at this, liking the sound of Spencer's slightly slurred voice far more than she should, and she means to swat Spencer's hand away.  
Instead, Ashley grabs Spencer's hand and tugs on it just a tad. Spencer grins at her and, for a second, tugs back.

Bottles hit the table, though, and they both let go at the same time.

So, Ashley drinks more. In fact, they all do. They drink and there is chuckling and there is talking that is too loud and there are times when Ashley's eyes cannot help but stray and then stick where they should not.

Aiden leans over and sloppily kisses the side of Ashley's head. She just pats his leg absentmindedly. And Spencer, beautiful and kind Spencer Carlin, sees this and actually smirks at Ashley.

Spencer smirks and then looks away, accepting a kiss from her new girlfriend.  
And Ashley wants to wipe that smirk from Spencer's lips. Ashley is almost angry about the notion and she is almost opening her mouth to say something she's been wanting to say for so fucking long.

_I want to kiss you until you can look at me properly again._

Spencer smirks because, deep down, she knows exactly what Ashley knows.

_I want to kiss you until you cannot stop kissing me back._

Somehow, they are all dancing and being goofy and they are all tipsy and securely losing control.  
And Spencer spins into her, laughing.  
And Ashley places unsteady hands about Spencer's waist.

_I want to kiss you until the past means less and we mean more._

Somehow, Ashley can't find anyone else here. There is no sign of Aiden or Kyla. No sign of that curly-haired girl.  
Spencer continues to dance, so Ashley continues to stay close.  
They smile and they behave ridiculously and they are so near to everything they've tried to bury, so very near to everything they've tried to ignore and deny and put to rest.

So near to ruination. So near to bliss. That's where they are as Spencer sort of joyfully collapses onto Ashley, arms sweaty as they press against the top of Ashley's shoulders. That's where they are as Ashley goes from shyly gripping to confidently holding, bringing their bodies into a final type of contact.

That's where they are as all the lights spin faster and the people around them turn into blurs and thinking truly becomes an afterthought.  
That's where they are as Ashley starts to trail her fingers up Spencer's back and that's where they are as Spencer's eyes blink once, then flutter and calmly shut.  
That's where they are, at the junction between what they want and what they have, not knowing how to make the two ends meet and make a beginning.

They don't know how to start all over again.

**OoOoOoO**

_Forgive and forget._

_It used to be simple, didn't it?_

_You could forgive her for being so gentle, for being so naive. You could forgive her for being jealous and forgive her for being suspicious.  
And in her arms, you could forget yourself for a while.  
Forget that life of yours, like a bad dream, and let her love make you new._

_You could forgive her for making you weak, forgive her for making you care. You could forgive her for making you nervous and forgive her for making you put someone else first.  
And in her gaze, you could forget that you are not that kind of person at all.  
Forget that you are broken and let her love polish you until you shine._

_It used to be simple, right?_

_Forgive and forget._

_But now you are the one in need of forgiveness and she won't extend any to you.  
Now you are the one who has fucked it all up and she won't turn the other cheek.  
And you could chalk it up to a youthful mistake, could place it with every other misstep you've made and walk away and never look back._

_If things were simple, you could do that. You could do that with your hands tied behind your back and in your sleep._

_But things are not simple.  
This isn't simple, is it?_

_Because you cannot forget her.  
She won't forgive you and you cannot forget her and things are so complicated now..._

_...aren't they?_

**OoOoOoO**

"Where is everyone?"  
"Oh, uh, Kyla is... you know what? I'm not sure where she is. Probably out giving away her clothes to charity or something."

Spencer sort of laughs and Ashley grins in return.

"And... Aiden?"

Ashley turns towards the kitchen, pulling glasses from the shelf and rummaging around the cabinets. When they are face to face again, Ashley knows that this answer means everything and nothing at all.

"He's somewhere else."

Spencer sort of nods and Ashley proceeds to inspect the bottle in her hands. But, really, Ashley is just pausing for a moment and waiting to see if this is what she wants to do.  
If this is what Spencer might want to do.  
If this is what either of them should be doing with each other.

"So... it's gonna be just you and I?" Spencer softly asks, her blue eyes focused on the large windows that overlook the busy highway and the ocean in the not-so-far-away distance.

And Ashley takes a deep breath.

"Yep."

They sit apart, television on and random conversation between them, glasses of really bitter wine held in their hands. Ashley doesn't even like wine. She doesn't even know where this wine came from, only that it was sitting around and taking up space.  
Spencer jokingly suggests cheese to go along with it and Ashley can never refuse Spencer much of anything.  
Even if it seems like she can. Even if it seems like she does.

They eat and drink a little more and the sound of the television is muted now and it is their voices that float in and out of the room.  
Ashley talks about music some. Spencer talks about school some. There are songs sung out of tune and there are teachers who suck. They cover a lot of ground left untouched for too long.  
All except that one patch of land, that island that belongs to their bungled romance.  
They don't go there.

Not yet.

But Ashley stretches and Spencer leans and they are no longer so far apart. Miles turn to inches and they are no longer removed from one another.  
Spencer says something, her lips too close and her body too near, and Ashley doesn't hear a single word. She just hears the thumping of her own heart. She just hears the way air leaves Spencer's mouth. Ashley just hears what she's been aching to hear.

And Ashley forms her bones and her blood into a bridge, reaching across this canyon of her own foolish making.

Ashley wants to walk that last road tonight.

OoOoOoO

_What have you done to me?_

_Taken me from thievery and turned me to flesh, rendering me powerless to these feelings - what have you done to me? Removed my spine while slamming life into my soul, thinking I could survive on emotion alone - what have you done to me?_

_I could have built a home on the lies I've told, but you pulled that carpet out from under me._

_And now... now, I am left with nothing at all._

_Least of all you.  
Least of all us._

**OoOoOoO**

Spencer blows through girls these days and Ashley wants to weep for someone she once knew. But she is too busy doing more things she shouldn't, too busy being herself.

The glasses are on the table. The television is still on and still silent.

And Spencer carries the flavor of a litany of places on her tongue, each one delicious and comforting, and Ashley's hand has found skin and she pulls Spencer closer.  
Closer and closer, until their legs are creating a puzzle and Spencer lays back and Ashley follows. Closer and closer, until heat touches down on Ashley's hips and they both shudder with things once spoken, things that need to be shouted, sentences and stories that beg to be told and then re-told.

Somewhere, a phone rings and rings. Somewhere, someone is calling home.

Closer and closer, though, and all that keeps them from completely burning up in each other is each other - kissing, caressing, pushing, gasping, begging, grinding, building and building and building - closer and closer, until Ashley finally says the name she's been wanting to say for days and days and days.

"...Spencer..."

**OoOoOoO**

**/END/**


End file.
